Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Nifonging your way To Success!

Tired of being just an Assistant DA?

Don’t know how to get elected?

No money to run your campaign?

Scandal brewing and need to cover your ass?

Help is on the way!

Introducing a Seminar created for an assistant DA just like you!

Attend Mike Nifong’s Award Winning Seminar:

Nifonging your way To Success!

After 27 years of languishing in the Durham DA’s back office, Durham's ADA Mike Nifong was tired of watching other ADAs move up the chain. Sick of seeing others take on national cases, Mike became convinced he had to change his life! Applying self-help philosophy, Mike read all he could, and researched the works of such notables as Johnnie Cochran and Senator Joseph McCarthy. Mike turned to his many years in the Traffic Department and distilled what he had learned on the job!

Working during breaks in his hectic life dealing with traffic tickets, Mike slowly built and developed his winning tips, applied what he learned to himself and catapulted his dying career into the Stratosphere!

Finally Mike is going to share these lessons with you in this once in a lifetime seminar.
You will hear Mike’s strategic tips that nobody taught you in Law School!

DA’s Office Dynamics:

Who’s the Boss?
You will learn the bend over and take it like a man technique as demonstrated by Mike!

Staking out your Territory
Mike explains how the Traffic Department is the sure fire way to build connections and ingratiate yourself with many local attorneys.

Perks of the Job
Donations, bribes, or gifts? How do you define those terms?

Cultivating Future Victims
Giving a helping hand to a girl with a problem.

Finally we will get into the Meat of the Course: what you have been waiting for!

The Case – everybody needs The Case
1) Why do you need a case?
2) How to choose a case?
3) What happens if you don’t have one?
4) Demographics of your district are the key!
5) Appealing to the most voters.
6) How to manufacture The Case when all else fails.
7) The Press – learn how they will buy anything you say.

Learn the Nifong Bombshell. This technique is a sure fire way of buying time. The press loves it as it improves ratings for them. It’s a win-win situation.


Mike reveals his secret technique of speaking out both sides of his mouth at the same time. You will be privileged in learning from the master himself a vocabulary of terms he calls Nifongese.
To use the Bombshell technique you must learn the art of Nifongese!

1) Pretend to care.
2) Appeal to base instincts.
3) Smirk and snicker.
4) Choose your words carefully-you can deny anything.
5) Learn Mike's patented phrase, "To my knowledge, I do not."
6) Learn the Art of the Stall - 101 Ways to Say "Uhm" while buying time.

Police and DA Relationship

1) Injecting yourself into the police investigation.
2) Making that special connection inside the police force.
3) Teaching them how to do fail proof line-ups.
4) Teaching them how to write notes, or not (Gell Case - They can’t use the “Work Product Excuse" unlike us!).

The Art of Getting Nifonged

Case Management Strategic Tips

Nifong’s suspect search – find the rich white boys who urinate on lawns.
Nifong’s disclosure tactics - how to hide exculpatory evidence – the “What report technique?”
Nifong’s race baiting - learn from the master.
Nifong’s evidence gathering - investigating alibi witnesses.
Nifong’s photo IDs tips - don't include fillers, as many line-ups as you need, just don't keep notes, and don't videotape anything until you know beforehand that an ID will be made.
Nifong’s waste basket maneuver - Dreyfus Affair (The French technique) - great for DNA!Nifong’s chokehold demonstration - can't miss maneuver to generate public outrage!
Nifong’s Grand Jury indictments - they don't even keep a transcript -a freebee!
Nifong’s jury selection - Voir dire? Hey, this is Durham, we speak English!
Nifong’s victim control – hide your alleged victim.
Summary: Nifong’s Bombshell Technique – keep hinting you have something hidden.

Open forum for discussion

Mike answers your questions
Suggested Topics:
Discovery? Is it really needed?
Picking your cops.
Picking a special Investigator.
Keeping your special Investigator out of jail.
Not talking to defense attorneys about exculpatory evidence.
Why Ethics Rules 3.6 and 3.8 are for wimps.
How to quietly defend yourself against bar ethics complaints while campaigning.


“It’s been a long time since I attended a seminar that I learned so much from. Mike was great and a real inspiration to me” - Wendy Murphy

“He is so confident!” - Susan Filan

“I especially liked the chokehold demonstration! I'm going to use that on Tucker” - Georgia Goslee

“Well, finally…a man who understands…men are assholes…” - Nancy Grace

*LieStoppers can verify that no District Attorneys were harmed during the making of this satire.


Anonymous said...

Sign me up! I want the POWER!

J said...

Move over Carlton, Nifong is THE man!!

Anonymous said...

Does this include Nifong demonstrating the choke hold?

Anonymous said...

I'd hold off on signing up for the seminars. I'm betting the prices drop significantly at about 7:00pm on November 7.

Anonymous said...

We warned you to sign up soon, things aren't looking so good for da!

Anonymous said...

This photo says it all.


Feel free to distribute as you wish.

Anonymous said...

Picture is here

See if the link works now.