Monday, October 02, 2006

Announcing: Advanced Case Management Seminar for Losers

Have a Dog Case?
Know you are going to lose?
Election upcoming?
What are you going to do?
The answer is here! Call Mike!

DA Nifong’s Advanced Case Management Seminar for Losers
DA Mike Nifong is back with the second in the series of the award winning, ground breaking seminars.

Read this Special Message from Mike to You!

“To my knowledge it happens to us all. One day you have a sure fire election winner fall into your lap. You call in a few markers from police to play along, and perform mass DNA searches. You make some inflammatory statements, state the suspects are not cooperating, and proclaim them Guilty. You attend candle light vigils, appear on local TV, and then the National Morning shows. Pretty soon you’re chatting with Greta and Dan, and demonstrating the Chokehold technique. Then the bad news comes in: No DNA, SANE Exam doesn’t back you up, the damn kids took photos and won’t plea, and your accuser’s driver kept a log! So what are you going to do?”
Yes, what are you going to do?

In this Seminar Mike is going to personally lead you through the minefield of judicial excuses.

(Note! DA Nifong’s Advanced Seminar can only be taken by those who have completed Mike’s first Seminar, “Nifonging your way to Success” - NO EXCEPTIONS)

In the second seminar you will learn Mike’s secrets, directly from the Zen Master.

Case Evaluation and the Benefit of a Positive Attitude.

Ok, so you don’t have any evidence, that doesn’t mean they are not guilty. Lots of people have been convicted on no evidence. You job as a DA is to get convictions! So the first steps are to:

1) Maintain their Guilt.

Here is where the earlier seminar is a must. The Nifong Bombshell Technique must be used. Keep hinting you have more. You won’t believe how many people will believe in you, if you have chosen your suspects carefully, using the Nifong’s Suspect Search Method for Rich White Young Males who urinate on lawns.

2) Build Your Confidence.

Find some old un-served warrants and serve them. If you’re “lucky,” you might “find” an old warrant issued for the witness for the defense. Nothing gets the juices flowing like an arrest of an exculpatory witness!

The time is on your side maneuver!

Perhaps the most important underlying principle of this Seminar is Stalling. Under intense pressure Mike had to develop this technique on the fly. Mike does credit his earlier research with giving him the tools. You will learn the Basic Principle behind this maneuver.

1) You can’t lose if you never go to trial - So simple, yet so powerful!

So many DAs make this mistake. If you have played your cards right, many people still think they are guilty!

2) Postponing trial - The Four Corners Offense (Picked this up at UNC).

What’s the Rush? You don’t have any evidence, so it can’t degrade. You are untouchable! Use the Power of Zero. Discovery takes time off the clock.

3) How do you prolong discovery? - Pretend to act with a Good Faith Attitude in Court.

Judges will always give you the benefit of the doubt. WARNING! Nothing spoils this step more then a No Nonsense Judge, who wants to move this case along! But here are some steps that work with any Judge, or Defense Team!

  • a) Don’t take phone calls or return messages. It makes them think you’re busy, and you can’t comply if you don’t know what they want!
  • b) Vacation time and trips outside of your office. Nothing stops them in their tracks more then a vacation, or “he is at a conference” excuse.
  • c) Use your most incompetent staff. Another Freebie, you can always use this excuse. Everybody understands this one!
  • d) Lose the Exculpatory Evidence. Erasable Magnetic Media – a gift from the gods.
  • e) Always present discovery right before court. They never have enough time to review it and complain to the Judge on what you left out! Always give them the minimum amount, so they have to ask for more. Cha Ching! Another month goes by!
  • f) Say you have personally taken over discovery. Complain about the real crimes in the county to the press, and how this isn’t the only case you’re handling! (This will get you at least another month and a half.)

Discussion of Methods, Tactics, and Strategy.

Advanced Nifongese – If they can’t understand you then, what’s the worry? Reporters all fall for this! Mike calls it “What did he just say?”

"How does DNA exonerate you? It's either a match or there's not a match,"

"The absence of DNA doesn't prove anything."

Complain about Defense Tactics - The best defense is a good offense. Always accuse the Defense of what you are going to do or have been doing!

“It's not me that's trying this case in the media.”

"Lawyers are always saying that people are innocent."

Work Product Excuse. (WARNING! Police can’t use this one, so make sure you are present at all meetings so you can claim it!) But again, you must refer to Mike’s earlier seminar, which described the benefits of lead police investigators not keeping Notes! Mike will further describe the theory of “No Notes,” and how to turn that theory into a 33 page Narrative to explain away every problem and lack of evidence. Between “Work Product and No Notes,” you can handle 90% of exculpatory evidence that might come up. This is worth the price of admission alone!

Finally what you all have been waiting for! Mike’s Greatest Discovery!

Nifongian Mathematics – Mike’s most recent mathematical discovery has opened the door to his greatest achievement yet, The Miracle of Movable Timelines – They can’t prepare if they don’t know when or where the alleged crime took place. Learn how 70 does actually equal 15, and 30 does actually equal 5, 10 at the most, when you use Nifongian Mathematics. Which bathroom? The Time-Space Conundrum! You will learn the Theorem of Movable Timelines. Time and Space is relative.

“They don't know what my timeline is." DA Mike Nifong.

Reception follows.


“I wish my attorney had attended” Michael Peterson.

“A Living Legend” Bob Ashley.

“Darn! Why didn’t I think of this?” Boulder CO DA Mary Lacy.

Hope to see you there! It may be Mike’s last seminar!


Anonymous said...

Don't forget...and when all else fails, start yelling and cursing at people.

Anonymous said...

This article is so accurate in describing Nifong and his techniques. If it didn't involve three innocent young lives, it would almost be comical. At first, I honestly believed Nifong was just over his head in such a high profile case. I now believe he is incompetent, malicious, and a liar. None of these are traits that would be seen as admirable in anyone, much less someone that has been given the seemingly endless power of the Durham DA. I pray he is not elected next month.