"They Look at the Mother"

"All quiet roads of life ran on to this;
When they were little for their mother’s kiss.
Little feet hastening, so soft, unworn,
To the vows and the vigil and the road of thorn."

Back in September I wrote an essay that I called "Thinking About The Moms." I liked it at the time, and I felt it deeply, ... but what I remember most about it tonight is NOT my own words, but the words of another poster called Texas Mom. In the comments underneath my post, she wrote:

"Joan,

"Thank you for your eloquent essay. I've no connection to Duke or the young men - only a son who is Dave's age and plays lacrosse. My children's father took his own life when my son was 9, my daughters 11 and 13. I frequently thought that I "couldn't go on" over the past thirteen years. I wondered how I would be able to raise "a good and honorable man"; I knew how to teach my girls how to be women, but what about teaching my son to be the kind of man his father and I had wanted him to become.

"An older friend to whom I posed my fears said, "Do you know how they pick fighting bulls?" I responded, "No." "They look at the mother," she said, "that's where they get their heart, their courage." Over the years, when I felt as though I couldn't go another step or that I was failing at my task, I remembered her words. There were a lot of things I couldn't teach my children because I didn't know how to do them myself, but I could teach them to be honorable, to be courageous, and that they were loved unequivocally."

Last night, I watched Kathy Seligmann, Mary Ellen Finnerty, and Rae Evans and I wished I were sitting beside Texas Mom. "Yes!" I'd say to her, "You were so right! Look at the Moms! There's your heart, and there's the courage! Reade and Collin and Dave are made of some pretty splendid stuff!" I think Texas Mom and I would have stomped our feet and yelled "Bravo!" at the close. They were all magnificent.

Last year, I hardly knew what a blog was, much less imagined myself writing poems and essays for one. I had heard a bit about the Duke case, and, of course, I saw Nifong on his magical media tour. I'm ashamed to say...I believed him. My life is busy and full...and I thought very little about it. One afternoon, I made a cup of tea and turned on the television for some distraction ... and sat, stunned, as a young man faced the cameras and spoke from his heart of "Fantastic Lies." I spent the next few hours reading everything I could find...in the online N&O and the Herald-Sun. By midnight I was heartsick. The next morning, I discovered the N&O blog and, shortly thereafter, made my first post. I've been posting ever since.

Tonight, I could see in Dave's mom, just where he found the courage to stand so tall and speak so profoundly. I was equally as impressed watching Reade and Collin months later on the first 60 Minutes. "Good stock," Texas Mom might say.

Yes, Rae, Nifong chose the wrong families...for many reasons. He could not have imagined the formidable courage, the heart, the discernible strength of the Seligmanns, the Evans' and the Finnertys! Nor did he realize how their example would inspire and motivate so many of us to enter the blogs and push onto the posting boards and parse, and probe, and poke at his every word and action! We have your back, and we are in the face of any who enable or advance this Hoax! A man as self-involved as Mike Nifong could never understand the kind of unity of spirit that they and their sons have inspired through this ordeal.

I thought about Mike Nifong tonight too, as 60 Minutes showed a short clip of him after his swearing in...sitting beside his wife and his son. Yes, your sons' names will be "Googled," but the "Nifong" name will be "Googled" too. "Nifong" is a new action verb, synonymous with the sleaziest sort of frame-up. He is reviled in editorials from coast to coast. The talking heads, who once encouraged his pandering and posturing, have now turned their venom on him. He may ramble through the motions of his life, but this man will never again be respected. He is a pariah. Every case he tries for the state (should the Bar allow him to continue) will be undercut by the memory of this persecution. What juror can ever again rely on D.A. Nifong's credibility or countenance his version of events or the validity of his evidence? He is a detriment to the state of North Carolina, and a hindrance to any prosecution he might handle. Even those, who through their own agenda-blindness continue to buttress him, can never truly trust him again. He was willing to destroy three innocent young lives to win a political race and an improved pension. That was the sum total. That's the full measure of all we ever need to know about Mr. Nifong. That is his legacy. Let him be an anathema.

Nifong's magic bullet has ricocheted. We pledge that we will not be content until we've discovered everyone who helped supply his ammunition. Wherever that may lead. Yes, Kathy, every mom needs to care about this case. We have learned some frightening things about rogue prosecutors, North Carolina grand juries, and the power of the state in these situations.

Watching the show-trial of Mr. Elmostafa, so many of us stood...absolutely stunned! Our eyes are sadly open now. We need to look at and look out for...the sons of the neediest among us as well. We cannot allow them to be Nifonged, not in Durham, or Detroit, or Duluth or any downtown courthouse! We will honor the ordeal you all have been through, by going onward with the lessons of this case, demanding needed changes, and cleaning house!

Maybe Mr. Nifong's most serious miscalculation was not consulting with Texas Mom. Had he heard her story...he might have looked at the Mothers before he launched his Hoax. The steel, the strength, the heart, the courage he would have seen there...that we ALL saw there tonight...might have kept him from the calamity that has ultimately caused his own ethical demise. He picked the wrong boys, the wrong families, the wrong Moms...to his own everlasting regret.

God bless Rae, Mary Ellen, and Kathy.

Joan Foster