Thursday, February 22, 2007

D.A.M.N. Appreciation Week

The Durham social scene is abuzz this week as the District Attorney Mike Nifong Appreciation Week (D.A.M.N. Appreciation Week) is well underway. As previously reported, a festive lunch honoring our own nationally notorious District Attorney, Michael Nifong, was on tap yesterday, arranged by well known Durham hostesses, Ms. Victoria Peterson and Ms. Jackie Wagstaff. Despite a plethora of unfortunate "previous engagements" and illnesses that prevented other local notables from attending, this reporter can confirm that a good time was had by both attendees!
Contrary to previous reports, the celebratory calendar has only just begun! Across our fair city, tuxes are being pressed, and negligees modeled, as fans of Michael Nifong prepare for a heady week of fun and frivolity. Society insiders confide that Nifong's pending hearing on ethics charges before the North Carolina Bar has not lessened his local cache. Some of his closest supporters, they explain, have occasionally faced various charges themselves!
Platinum Club Gala
Durham's elite will gather tonight for the popular Platinum Club Gala beginning at 7:00PM. The organizers gave this description to attendees:
"Upon entry into the club, you will be greeted personally by Doc O and a bevy of Durham's finest ladies. You will be escorted to a private table in the VIP room. A complimentary bottle of Let's Keep Mike campaign water will be served, and you may take the bottle home as a memento!.
"Durham's own TV personality, Cousin Clyde Yancey, will be the evening's Master and Mistress of Ceremonies. We will start the night with the District Attorney's Office Barbershop Quartet, featuring Linwood Wilson singing bass, performing the trademark Eagles hit "Lyin' Eyes."
"From then on, it will be a night of surprises! We will expect full audience participation in a pole dancing contest! Age and infirmity are no excuse. A special "instructional video," courtesy of '60 Minutes,' will be available to encourage ALL to participate regardless of health issues."

Durham's Dancing with the Stars

To conclude the evening, Mike has arranged his own version of Durham's Dancing with the Stars.

Teams include:

It is our understanding that Nancy Grace as yet does not have a partner, but will do a free dance interpretation of the Plight of TV Commentators. Dancing with the Stars competition begins at 10PM and all are encouraged to vote for their favorite couple. Transportation to and from the Platinum Club Gala will be provided by Jarriel's Private Limousine Service. For those driving to the event, parking attendant and valet services will be provided by Baldo (tips are appreciated). Reservations are still available and you will be eligible to earn your Platinum Club membership awards!

Friday Morning DNA Derby

Ticker Tape Parade

On Friday afternoon, all are invited to be on hand for the Michael Nifong Ticker Tape Parade, beginning at 1:00PM. Nifong will be the Grand Marshal at a one-car ticker-tape parade in his honor. Mike will wave to the masses from the back seat of a convertible, performing his legendary chokeholds at specified intervals. The parade route will circle the DA's office and, as is traditional for a ticker-tape parade, shredded paper - in this case shredded directly from the DA's office files - will be thrown out the 6th floor windows. Mike's car will circle the block over and over until all the shredded files have been jettisoned out of the windows by his loyal ADAs. The parade will culminate at the Courthouse, once again, where local and regional Potbangers plan to rally. Some of their number will perform, "The Music of Nifongisms," a compilation of Mike's most famous sayings set to music played on pots and pans while accompanied by interpretive dance movement.

The Nifong Bonfire

The Nifong Bonfire will be held Friday evening starting promptly at 7:00PM. Scheduled Bonfire activities include:

  • Cussin' Kerry Contest - Contestants try to top Nifong's public, expletive filled tirade. Kerry Sutton, avid Nifong supporter, will reenact her role.
  • .
  • Elmo Look-Alike Contest - Judged by Officer R. D. Clayton, whose bona fides include his having spent a whole day in court staring and glaring at Mr. Elmostafa at close range.
  • .
  • Moons Over Durham - Contestants drop "trou" and moon the judges Stephens, Titus, and Hudson in honor of Nifong's mooning the justice system. While extra points will be given for flabbiness and pallidity, the winner must also moon with an attitude combining confidence, malice, and mental instability. Repeating actual Nifongisms during the performance is allowed and encouraged.
  • .
  • Kissing Booth - We are sad to inform attendees that the proposed Kissing Booth has been cancelled, after no one worth kissing could be found among Nifong supporters.

The Nifong Bonfire will conclude with all local copies of the Due Process Clause, the Brady decision, Durham Police Department General Order 4077, Sgt. Gottlieb's original handwritten notes, the NC Bar Canons of Ethics, NC General Statute §7A-66, §7A-66 affidavits, and any other constitutional provisions, case law, and statutory procedures that Fong doesn't like will be set aflame in a gigantic bonfire.

Baldo Day

Saturday, February 24, brings another day of community camaraderie as Durham salutes another Hero of our Hometown Hoax, as the spotlight turns to "Baldo Day!" Space is limited.

Organizers describe the fun as follows:

"Baldo Day! What we were all waiting for, an entire day with Baldo chasing the bad guys! We start out with a 9AM briefing at District II Station House. A cup of Joe and a handful of donuts and we head out! First stop, the Brentwood Apartments and a rousting of a couple of thugs chosen at random. Nothing is better than enforcing Man law and a quick shakedown.

"Now over to the parking on Main street and see if anybody is feeding the meters! Back on the road we head over to the season opening Duke lacrosse game and patrol the tailgaters looking for urinators, noise violators, and anyone wearing Duke blue.

"Always on the look out for that Tony Soprano, you follow Baldo as he chases down a lead on some reports of illegal garage sale signs in Trinity Park! Watch as Baldo arrests three innocent Duke students just for fun, then releases them with a "You just got punked by Baldo" T-Shirt! Who says he isn't fun loving and thoughtful!

"Finally we head over to Raleigh for dinner at Blinco's. Share stories and laugh about the Adventures of Baldo, the uncensored version. Officer Clayton will join us and we might even look up a Fry Cook later on in the evening.

Law and Order Breakfast and Tour

D.A.M.N. Appreciation Week finishes with a bang. Sunday begins with "The Law and Order Breakfast and Tour." After the "Night with Baldo Sleep In," meet at the Millenium Hotel and enjoy a complimentary breakfast down in the donut room. Don't forget it's OK to get seconds!

Starting at 10:00AM, ADA C. Destine Couch will lead you in a tour of the Courthouse. The ladies will enjoy the personal touch from this young, active Ass-istant District Attorney. You will get a look at the activities that go behind the drama of the Legal System. Watch ADAs mock plea bargains then visit Judge Hudson's courtroom. If your lucky he might even let you sit on his "bench"!

Next Mike takes over and gives you a tour of where it all started - Traffic Court! Mike will share stories of the good days with Woody and Bourlon! Finally, Mike takes you to his office and will take a picture with you! For a donation of $50.00, a scowling Mike will be shown shaking your hand. Mike flashing his trademark smirk is an additional $25.00. A deluxe keepsake photo of an enraged Mike cussing you out while wearing only his bathrobe is available for $400.00, which includes his world famous "Nifong Frame".

Candlelight Vigil at 610

That night a moment of seriousness to conclude the week. Go on a candlelight vigil at 610 Buchanan! Who cares that nothing happened? It was a good narrative! And it made us famous!

Nifong by Moonlight Ball

D.A.M.N. Appreciation Week will culminate with the first annual Nifong by Moonlight Ball at the lovely Hope Franklin Center, the heart of Duke University. This black tie event, arranged by the I-Have-An-Agenda Foundation, will recognize honorary chairpersons Ms. Amanda Marcotte (lately of the John Edwards campaign) and Mr. Alton Maddox.

Nifong by Moonlight Committees

Nifong by Moonlight Committee members:
  • Invitations: Ms. Waneema (getting them out and getting them out quickly) Lubiano

  • Entertainment: The Linwood Wilson Gospel Group and the Cousin Clyde revue

  • Menu: Ms. Victoria ("Will I ever get rid of all this fried chicken?") Peterson

Information promoting the event can be found in Sports Illustrated, the Herald-Sun, and on ADA C. Destine Couch's MySpace account.

The cocktail hour will feature a silent auction with many intriguing items including the following:

  1. All the contents of a once prospering DNA lab donated by Dr. Brian Meehan
  2. A first edition original copy of the Vigilante poster donated by Mr. Sam Hummel

  3. A fried chicken, corn, and mashed potatoes luncheon (must be held THIS WEEK) donated by Ms. Jackie Wagstaff and Ms. Victoria Peterson

All proceeds from this event will benefit the Mike Nifong Civil Suit Defense Fund and the Find-Me-A-Rich-Daddy-Now Nifong Retirement Trust.

(Please Note: This is a parody. In Durham these days, one never knows. )


Anonymous said...

As with so much great parody, its excellence is in its close approximation to reality. You tweaked the event a bit, but no stretching was needed to supply a rainbow of vile, venal, Durmite scumbags for the reader's pleasure. Many thanks and here's hoping Burness gets full time work in that dunking booth after he's sacked along with Moneta, Sue, Broadhead and many others. sic semper tyrannis

Anonymous said...

Coffee all over my monitor - thanks for starting my day off right!

Far Flung Jen

Anonymous said...

Tears blurring my vision from first sentence....laughing so heartily.



Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I hope the committee will be video-taping the various events!

That was so funny!LOL

kbp said...

Thanks Liestoppers!

Hard to believe so much is scheduled to be accomplished, in such a limited period of time, if it involbes any associated with the Durham DA's office.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget for the bonfire the police tapes that were mistakenly...ooops erased.

Anonymous said...

Hey, you're scaring me with that picture of Nutty. Geez, the Big Book of British Smiles, or what.
Yuck. Thanks for the diet aid.

Anonymous said...


sorry Ms Grace couldn't get a date - guess Kermit the Frog was otherwise engaged also

Anonymous said...

I have a question, Who leads?

Sam Hummel and David Addison
Steve Monks and John Bourlon
Victoria Peterson and Clyde Yancey
John Burness and Karla Holloway
Mike Nifong and Bob Ashley

Personally my money is on Mike & Bob, they look like a cute couple!

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Anonymous said...

I always thought Nifong was ugly, but he looks even worse when he's smiling. Good thing he won't have many reasons to smile in the future!

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious from start to finish. What it week it must be for America's most notorious DA. And of course his enablers!

Anonymous said...

Confederate Yankee contrasting the N&O's handling of the two alleged rapes:
"Raceless Female Raped by Raceless Male at a Party Hosted By a Raceless Fraternity in the Same City Where Rich White Boys Raped A Poor Black Stripper."

HumboldtBlue said...

Worthy of a Daily Show skit. So well done, so funny, and yet, as the first poster noted, so damned close to the truth that laughing almost seems the wrong thing to do.

Anonymous said...

Great stuff....but I cannot believe there is no ceremony, crowning, and swearing of the Queen of DAMN.....Ms. Crystal Gail Mangum herself!!!

Anonymous said...

Really enjoyed the humor-good job.

Anonymous said...

I want two tickets for EVERY event.

Priceless! Thanks for presenting us with a sidesplitting gem.

Guy Fox said...

I can just see it now: Kids being told by their parents not to call Gottlieb "Officer Barbrady;" kids asking their parents who that ugly man who looks like Golem from LotR is; parents asking their teenaged kids what they mean when they say they're going to go somewhere to get "nifonged"... Beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Hsyterical. Nifong deserves everything coming his way!
As a mother, I feel sorry for his son. His son does not deserve the embarrassment. But , Mike should of thought about his family too before screwing everyone!

Anonymous said...

Carolyn says:

Ohmigod, Liestoppers! This is priceless.

Anonymous said...

you can keep laughing and wasting time on this kind of idiotic stuff; you did the same thing during the election and who won? nifong. you all will stop laughing soon when coman makes his announcement that the case is continuing.