Contrary to previous reports, the celebratory calendar has only just begun! Across our fair city, tuxes are being pressed, and negligees modeled, as fans of Michael Nifong prepare for a heady week of fun and frivolity. Society insiders confide that Nifong's pending hearing on ethics charges before the North Carolina Bar has not lessened his local cache. Some of his closest supporters, they explain, have occasionally faced various charges themselves!
"Upon entry into the club, you will be greeted personally by Doc O and a bevy of Durham's finest ladies. You will be escorted to a private table in the VIP room. A complimentary bottle of Let's Keep Mike campaign water will be served, and you may take the bottle home as a memento!..
"Durham's own TV personality, Cousin Clyde Yancey, will be the evening's Master and Mistress of Ceremonies. We will start the night with the District Attorney's Office Barbershop Quartet, featuring Linwood Wilson singing bass, performing the trademark Eagles hit "Lyin' Eyes.".
"From then on, it will be a night of surprises! We will expect full audience participation in a pole dancing contest! Age and infirmity are no excuse. A special "instructional video," courtesy of '60 Minutes,' will be available to encourage ALL to participate regardless of health issues."
Durham's Dancing with the Stars
To conclude the evening, Mike has arranged his own version of Durham's Dancing with the Stars.
- Cash Michaels and Wendy Murphy
- Sam Hummel and David Addison
- C. Destine Couch and Shadee Malaklou
- Steve Monks and John Bourlon
- Alan McSurely and Georgia Goslee
- Jackie Wagstaff and her imaginary friend
- Victoria Peterson and Clyde Yancey
- John Burness and Karla Holloway
- Mike Nifong and Bob Ashley
It is our understanding that Nancy Grace as yet does not have a partner, but will do a free dance interpretation of the Plight of TV Commentators. Dancing with the Stars competition begins at 10PM and all are encouraged to vote for their favorite couple. Transportation to and from the Platinum Club Gala will be provided by Jarriel's Private Limousine Service. For those driving to the event, parking attendant and valet services will be provided by Baldo (tips are appreciated). Reservations are still available and you will be eligible to earn your Platinum Club membership awards!
Friday Morning DNA Derby
Ticker Tape Parade
On Friday afternoon, all are invited to be on hand for the Michael Nifong Ticker Tape Parade, beginning at 1:00PM. Nifong will be the Grand Marshal at a one-car ticker-tape parade in his honor. Mike will wave to the masses from the back seat of a convertible, performing his legendary chokeholds at specified intervals. The parade route will circle the DA's office and, as is traditional for a ticker-tape parade, shredded paper - in this case shredded directly from the DA's office files - will be thrown out the 6th floor windows. Mike's car will circle the block over and over until all the shredded files have been jettisoned out of the windows by his loyal ADAs. The parade will culminate at the Courthouse, once again, where local and regional Potbangers plan to rally. Some of their number will perform, "The Music of Nifongisms," a compilation of Mike's most famous sayings set to music played on pots and pans while accompanied by interpretive dance movement.
The Nifong Bonfire
The Nifong Bonfire will be held Friday evening starting promptly at 7:00PM. Scheduled Bonfire activities include:
- Cussin' Kerry Contest - Contestants try to top Nifong's public, expletive filled tirade. Kerry Sutton, avid Nifong supporter, will reenact her role..
- Elmo Look-Alike Contest - Judged by Officer R. D. Clayton, whose bona fides include his having spent a whole day in court staring and glaring at Mr. Elmostafa at close range..
- Moons Over Durham - Contestants drop "trou" and moon the judges Stephens, Titus, and Hudson in honor of Nifong's mooning the justice system. While extra points will be given for flabbiness and pallidity, the winner must also moon with an attitude combining confidence, malice, and mental instability. Repeating actual Nifongisms during the performance is allowed and encouraged..
- Kissing Booth - We are sad to inform attendees that the proposed Kissing Booth has been cancelled, after no one worth kissing could be found among Nifong supporters.
The Nifong Bonfire will conclude with all local copies of the Due Process Clause, the Brady decision, Durham Police Department General Order 4077, Sgt. Gottlieb's original handwritten notes, the NC Bar Canons of Ethics, NC General Statute §7A-66, §7A-66 affidavits, and any other constitutional provisions, case law, and statutory procedures that Fong doesn't like will be set aflame in a gigantic bonfire.
Organizers describe the fun as follows:
"Baldo Day! What we were all waiting for, an entire day with Baldo chasing the bad guys! We start out with a 9AM briefing at District II Station House. A cup of Joe and a handful of donuts and we head out! First stop, the Brentwood Apartments and a rousting of a couple of thugs chosen at random. Nothing is better than enforcing Man law and a quick shakedown.
"Now over to the parking on Main street and see if anybody is feeding the meters! Back on the road we head over to the season opening Duke lacrosse game and patrol the tailgaters looking for urinators, noise violators, and anyone wearing Duke blue.
"Always on the look out for that Tony Soprano, you follow Baldo as he chases down a lead on some reports of illegal garage sale signs in Trinity Park! Watch as Baldo arrests three innocent Duke students just for fun, then releases them with a "You just got punked by Baldo" T-Shirt! Who says he isn't fun loving and thoughtful!
"Finally we head over to Raleigh for dinner at Blinco's. Share stories and laugh about the Adventures of Baldo, the uncensored version. Officer Clayton will join us and we might even look up a Fry Cook later on in the evening.
Law and Order Breakfast and Tour
D.A.M.N. Appreciation Week finishes with a bang. Sunday begins with "The Law and Order Breakfast and Tour." After the "Night with Baldo Sleep In," meet at the Millenium Hotel and enjoy a complimentary breakfast down in the donut room. Don't forget it's OK to get seconds!
Starting at 10:00AM, ADA C. Destine Couch will lead you in a tour of the Courthouse. The ladies will enjoy the personal touch from this young, active Ass-istant District Attorney. You will get a look at the activities that go behind the drama of the Legal System. Watch ADAs mock plea bargains then visit Judge Hudson's courtroom. If your lucky he might even let you sit on his "bench"!
Next Mike takes over and gives you a tour of where it all started - Traffic Court! Mike will share stories of the good days with Woody and Bourlon! Finally, Mike takes you to his office and will take a picture with you! For a donation of $50.00, a scowling Mike will be shown shaking your hand. Mike flashing his trademark smirk is an additional $25.00. A deluxe keepsake photo of an enraged Mike cussing you out while wearing only his bathrobe is available for $400.00, which includes his world famous "Nifong Frame".
Candlelight Vigil at 610
That night a moment of seriousness to conclude the week. Go on a candlelight vigil at 610 Buchanan! Who cares that nothing happened? It was a good narrative! And it made us famous!
Nifong by Moonlight Ball
D.A.M.N. Appreciation Week will culminate with the first annual Nifong by Moonlight Ball at the lovely Hope Franklin Center, the heart of Duke University. This black tie event, arranged by the I-Have-An-Agenda Foundation, will recognize honorary chairpersons Ms. Amanda Marcotte (lately of the John Edwards campaign) and Mr. Alton Maddox.
Nifong by Moonlight Committees
Nifong by Moonlight Committee members:
- Invitations: Ms. Waneema (getting them out and getting them out quickly) Lubiano
- Entertainment: The Linwood Wilson Gospel Group and the Cousin Clyde revue
- Menu: Ms. Victoria ("Will I ever get rid of all this fried chicken?") Peterson
Information promoting the event can be found in Sports Illustrated, the Herald-Sun, and on ADA C. Destine Couch's MySpace account.
The cocktail hour will feature a silent auction with many intriguing items including the following:
- All the contents of a once prospering DNA lab donated by Dr. Brian Meehan
- A first edition original copy of the Vigilante poster donated by Mr. Sam Hummel
- A fried chicken, corn, and mashed potatoes luncheon (must be held THIS WEEK) donated by Ms. Jackie Wagstaff and Ms. Victoria Peterson
All proceeds from this event will benefit the Mike Nifong Civil Suit Defense Fund and the Find-Me-A-Rich-Daddy-Now Nifong Retirement Trust.
(Please Note: This is a parody. In Durham these days, one never knows. )