Sunday, April 01, 2007

Snooze Room News from the Triangle April 1, 2007

Whispers from the State Capital

Confidential sources have provided an inside account of why the investigation by the Special Prosecutors into the Duke non-rape, no-evidence Frame has now stretched into several months. This new information shows AG Cooper, and Attorneys Winstead and Coman to be proceeding with all due diligence.

Sources tell the Snooze Room that extensive measuring has been done and continues to be done. Attorney General Cooper, in addition to his very public measuring of the backyard at 610 Buchanan, has also been observed measuring the Kroger parking lot, Blinco's alley, the interior of Mr. Elmostafa's taxi garage, and the "ambulatory route" from Crystal's divan to her easy chair (as observed by Sgt. Gottlieb.) Sources say they hope to wrap up the measuring this week.

Interviews continue

A further interview with Nurse Tara Levicy is planned but has run into difficulties. In their initial meeting, Levicy indicated she will be unavailable until after the close of the annual "Take Back the Night" celebration, as she does not work on high holy days.

This development may further delay any final determination of the case.

The accuser has been re-interviewed. She has now offered her NEWEST, complete and final, no holds barred, accounting of the crime. She now asserts her fifth version of the story was actually accurate and there were indeed four dancers. In this latest scenario, Ms. Magnum maintains she and Kim Roberts came to the door of 610 Buchanan selling girl scout cookies and were pulled inside by racist, fluffy-haired white Lacrosse players who were watching two other women strip. After forcing her to remove her troop leader uniform, Ms. Mangum was made to undertake a "performance obligation" for the very first time, along with Kim and the two other women. Upon completion of the dance, Ms. Mangum was forcibly transported in an On-Time taxi to the drive-through ATM at Wachovia Bank where she was set upon in the back seat by the three defendants, the two new dancers, Kim Roberts, Mr. Elmostafa, and the Wachovia Bank manager. This latest version does seem to undercut Reade Seligmann's alibi, since ATM photos place him at the Bank at the VERY TIME the accuser now remembers the attack. In addition, she maintains, her cookie proceeds were stolen and Mr. Elmostafa stole both her purse and her shoe. Additional time will be needed for the AG's special prosecutors to investigate the new aspects of the accusers story while determining the political liability of taking Mr. Elmostafa, the "Teflon Taxi-man", to trial once again.

From the Courthouse

In a shocking revelation, District Attorney Mike Nifong and Superior Court Judge Ronald Stephens have come out of the closet. Holding hands on the front steps of the Courthouse, the twosome admitted they were the couple Ms. Mangum and mechanical friend performed for prior to her Girl Scout cookie canvassing. They firmly denied, however, this had anything to do with the Hoax. The happy couple also announced that their commitment ceremony will be held today with Reverand Curtis E. Gatewood presiding and Cousin Clakki serving as both best man and bridesmaid.

Investigator Linwood Wilson announced that his single of "I Get Happy" has sold it's first copy after fifty-three weeks. Mr. Wilson thanked Spongeball919 for the donation.

Local Rotary Meeting

Durham County Police Chief Steve Chalmers expressed shock over hearing about the "alleged" assault at 610. In a fiery speech to the local Rotary, Chalmers said he should have been told about the horrific "crime" and promised a full investigation as soon as he finds an excuse for not doing one in the first place.

Duke University President Dick Brodhead resigns

In a statement read by Wahneema H. Lubiano, Duke University President Dick Brodhead stated he realized he has been a huge disappointment and failure to the Duke 88. In his last act as Enabler-in-Chief, Brodhead appointed Professor Lubiano as acting President. Board of Trustees' President Richard Steele was asked for reaction. Steele commented that they have to get Lubiano's picture off the cover of national magazines. Prof. Lubiano has announced a committee has been formed to study diaspora effects on the Duke 88. Lubiano also proposed a ban of white men from campus until further notice, thereby solving every problem under the sun.

Hope Franklin Center Releases Hip Hop Song

In a related story, the Hope Franklin Center announced the released of "We are the World" sung by the Duke 88. This version, arranged by the artist known as "MAN", is sure to become a Hip-Hop Hit.

Duke Men Take Back the Day Campus Rally

In response to Madam President Lubiano, the Duke Male Student Union announced plans for a "Take Back the Day" rally on Campus. They also announced the upcoming debut of their theatrical production, The Penis Monologues. The play will be debut at the Duke Gadsden Center. The Union is proud to announce that starring in the production will be an ensemble cast including Jarriel Johnson, Matthew Murchison, Brian Taylor, and five (or nine) unidentified males .

Selected reviews from the pre-screening:

"...Shocking revelation. This will have a HUGE impact." -- Bob Ashley

"Forget the stereotypes, you have to see this to believe it!" --N&O

"I never knew," -- Shadee Malaklou

Samiha’s Crime Beat

Cpl. Addison released a wanted poster regarding the recent string of bullying at the George Watts Elementary School. Addison announced DNA tests will be performed on 46 white male K-5 students persuant to a non-testimonial order issued by Judge Ronald Stephens.

"We will spare no expense, we will not stop, we will find out who has been playing tag. This horrific crime sent shock waves throughout our community. The Watts wall of silence will be broken." -- Cpl. Addison

Mayor Bell & City Manager Baker asked Addison for a complete report before the City Council and promised the full support of the City to find these heinous criminals. Sergeant Gottlieb promised he would keep notes this time.

Durham residents Theo Luebke and Manju Rajendran passed out this handout so protesters could memorize the chant for an upcoming "Shout Out!"

"Who’s being Silent?

They’re being silent!

Whose protecting tagists?

They’re protecting tagists!

So, who are the tagists?

They must be the tagist!"


"Out of the School!

Out of the town!

We don’t want, You around!"

The Durham Alliance formed a Committee to investigate the institutionalized sexism and the whole culture of sexual violence at the George Watts Elementary School.

Ruth Sheehan re-releases her "Silence is sickening" article.

Ms. Sheehan commented briefly that the new column was easy to compose. It appears that all she had to do was insert male elementary students in the original copy and she met her deadline with ease. She explained her brevity by offering that she was off to the Durham Local Organic Female Farmer's Market in support of her favorite cause, OVUM (Organic Vegetables Untouched by Men).

Former Duke University employee Sam Hummel said he will be starting an internet group to respond to these shocking developments.

"Durham has males living in its city limits," he exclaimed at a press conference while holding hands with his mother.

The Trinity Park Homeowners Association announced that Duke Professor Faulkner Fox will be hosting a candlelight vigil in front of the Watts School which will start at 12 Noon, April 1.

Happy April Fools Day!

Joan Foster, Baldo


Anonymous said...

I knew it, Nifong & Stephens! They do make quite a couple, no wonder why Mike was smirking in Court!

scott said...

Joan, great work as always.

You might want to think about moving the part related to Mangum's latest version up to the top, though. Given all the weirdness that has happened in this case, readers might actually believe the parts about the measuring and Tara/Take Back the Night (High Holy Days is an expecially nice touch) rather than realize they're part of an April Fools spoof.

Then, again, maybe that was your point, eh? To be effective, spoofs must bump up against the truth at some level.

Anonymous said...

Good laugh on a Sunday morning. Injecting humor into this sad saga is not easy. Nifong and Stephens - well, it all makes sense now.

Anonymous said...

Carolyn says:

Joan, I didn't realize how weird this case had become until the third paragraph when I finally realized your column was a spoof!

That shows what Nifong has done to this case - removed it so far from reality that you can't tell the difference between it and a farce!

Thanks for the laugh, Joan.

joan foster said...

Yes, even the ridiculous isn't quite ridiculous enough to stand out in this farce!

We could almost believe they are madly measuring everything!LOL!

We will have to take our exaggerations and imaginations to a whole new level!

Anonymous said...

I found it hard to tell if this was a spoof because it is like the usual absurd bs you print on this site by Joan Foster.

Remember, he who laughs last laughs best and it will not be your ilk, Joan Foster. Just like you looked like an idiot when Nifong won the election, you will look like an idiot when this case goes to trial and is not dismissed.