Thursday, March 01, 2007

The GO FISH Supplemental Insurance Policy

They sell all kinds of insurance these days: insurance should you need the services of a nursing home, insurance if your vacation must be canceled, insurance should you be diagnosed with cancer. Prudent people, living in uncertain times, like to be financially covered for any unexpected catastrophe. So, IF the State Bar buys Nifong's excuses, and deems his conduct acceptable . . . it will surely open a whole new area of opportunity for Insurance Brokers. Folks are going to be looking for supplemental policies to cover legal expenses if, suddenly, one is nifonged while visiting, vacationing, or studying in the State of North Carolina. Major insurance companies should jump on this opportunity.
I can see the advertisements now:
"Folks, planning a trip to North Carolina this year? Sending the kiddies there to matriculate? Then you need the kind of coverage our "Nifonged GO FISH Policy" affords. For just $100 a month, you can be covered for all legal expenses incurred if you are chosen to be part of a mass DNA sweep, if you are indicted despite exculpatory evidence that your lawyers must "go fish" to find, if your defense witnesses are being intimidated by the State, and/or if the State subjects you to over a years worth of monthly legal bills just to get to your personal persecution to trial.
Folks, monthly fees in excess of $4000 are not unusual when dealing with the North Carolina legal authorities! Don't let your innocent loved one have to plea deal because you did not have the foresight to plan for the enormous financial strain of his defense!
A Hoax can wipe out a lifetime's worth of savings in no time at all!
But you needn't fear. Knowing that it is the poor, the hard-working, the little guy, who suffer most when is for YOU the "GO FISH" Policy was designed!
For just $100 a month, you can have the peace of mind to know you can hire a "Brad Bannon" to sort through the thousands of pages of technical evidence for the salient points that might make the difference between life and death. For $100 a month, you can sleep at night, knowing you can afford the additional attorneys hours required to fight a District Attorney, arguing in front of his friendly FORMER COLLEAGUES , against giving you exculpatory evidence you require. For just $100 a month, our policy will cover the legal costs of hearing... after hearing... after hearing... as the state uses financial ruin as an intimidating factor.
No one living, visiting, or studying in North Carolina can afford to be without this coverage today.
Happy policy holders offer the following testimonials:
Mrs. L. M.. says: " When my son was Nifonged, I did not realize how years in traffic court can hone a prosecutors ability to bully and duck and bob with the truth. The GO FISH policy allowed us to offer a defense for our son, that would otherwise have been beyond our financial reach. He is free today, because we had the ability to fight the approved tactics of NC Bar and hire a truckload of lawyers to uncover what the prosecutor had hidden".
Mr. J.J. says: "As a guy making only minimum wage, even this policy was more than I could afford. I had planned to go on to college. But my Mom and I pooled our money to pay for the GO FISH policy after reading about the Duke Lacrosse case. Now that guys can get indicted with NO DNA in a rape case in North Carolina, Mom thought it was better to get the policy than go on to school. I'd rather have peace of mind than a better future. Folks like us can't afford both."
Mr. X. N. says, "D.A. Nifong's tactics prove that only the rich have a shot at a fair trial in North Carolina. He hides stuff so it costs you a ton of money for lawyers to find it! He delays so maybe you'll run out of money and just go to jail and let him win. Everyone in North Carolina needs the GO FISH policy. Our employers should really pay for it!"
Mr P. says, "I bought the policy because I am a truck driver and often have to stop to eat in North Carolina. I have installed a mini cam in my truck cab and I wear a wire into any diner, but I still fear false rape charges, rigged line-ups, crazy changing stories, no DNA...guys like me need the GO FISH policy!"
Mr. J.W. says, "Recently, at my Union Hall, one guy made a lousy comment. I thought, gee, if overheard, even without evidence, just a guy in the group like me could get nifonged. That's all it takes in North Carolina. I signed up for GO FISH right way!"
Ms. T. says, "My local prosecutor is in a nasty re-election fight! My family needs GO FISH coverage!"
Folks, apply for our policy today before you find yourself or your loved one permanently incarcerated in the State of North Carolina because you underestimated the burden of the State Sponsored GO FISH Prosecutorial Approach! Don't let what happened to the Duke Hoax defendants and their friends...happen to you. Sleep well at night, knowing the GOFISH policy has you covered.
Policy Riders:

For an extra $50 a month you can extend your coverage to include University Administrators and such events as professors grading lower out of spite, refusal of service in campus cafeterias, and personal protection against threats by the militants (on campus only).

Rental Coverage:

For another $25 a month your student will be given emergency housing in case he is chased out of his residence by self-serving local residents and pot bangers.

Due to recent events we are no longer writing policies for Durham County.

This policy has a cap of 2 million dollars. With an expert obfuscator, liar, legal manipulator, and well-entrenched Good Ole Boy like Michael Nifong, even the GO FISH policy can not reasonably be expected to cover all expenses you might incur.

Subsequently, your welcome packet, we also include:
1. Road-maps to avoid crossing into North Carolina
2. Listings of other non-North Carolina accredited colleges and Universities
3. Our "No-Go North Carolina" vacation guide.
Agents are waiting to assist you. Please call: 1-555-GO-FISH now.
Joan Foster


jim2 said...

Scott Ott and The Onion, you have fresh competition!

Anonymous said...

LOL! Quite good! :)

Guy Fox said...


Anonymous said...

Really enjoyed the GO Fish policy.