Sunday, January 07, 2007

Mike Nifong Seminars Inc Presents:

Mike Nifong Seminars Inc Presents:
Becoming a Professional DA Talking Head

Are you a former Asst District Attorney?

Miss the good old days of accusing people?

Tired of endless hours of tedious legal research?

Attend this Award Winning Seminar

Learn from the Best!

A Specially Trained Group of Mike’s Supporters

Yes, You can too be on TV

A Special Message from Mike to You!

I know you have always looked wistfully at those Legal Talking heads on TV. I did too. It seemed so easy. All you have to do is spout some legal principle and look pretty. Someone does your hair and make-up, dresses you, and you collect that check. Pretty soon they are calling you by your first name, and your tab is picked up at the best restaurants.

Let’s be honest after you left the DA’s Office nothing was ever quite the same. For all of those years of power, accusing people was so gratifying, but you knew you weren’t going anywhere pleading cases of extreme urination. I know. I spent 27 years of being an asst DA until I worked my way out of Traffic Court and invented the Nifong Method. But how many DAs positions are there? I am not giving my job up.

So what are you going to do?

Attend My Seminar and cash in on the newest Gold Rush!

Become a Professional DA Talking Head!

Let’s be honest! Crime is here to stay and so is the Media. The Cable News Networks love seedy and scandalous court cases as they suck viewers in and garner high ratings. From a molester in California, to a teacher having sex with her students, to corrupt politicians . . . all gather attention. Who cares if a crime really happened, that’s what juries are for! Your job is to be a part of the exciting world of TV Justice! The high-priced attorneys take up the defensive viewpoint. You won’t find many ex-DAs working on that side.

In my research on the media I discovered they would put anything on the air so I took my body of work and distilled it down for you.

The Famous Nifong Method is now available for Talking Heads!

Sorry I can’t be there as I am busy right now but I put a special team of woman together to teach this seminar. I call them, My Girls!

NOTE! You must read Mike's best selling book, Nifonging Your Way To Success with Nifongian Mathematics and complete Mike’s two earlier seminars, Nifonging Your Way To Success and Advanced Case Management for Losers to qualify for enrollment. So much of what you are going to say on TV comes from the Zen Master himself. You'll need those Seminars too.

In this seminar you will learn the keys to a successful entertainment career. Who knows it might lead to cameo appearances or your own show?

Course Outline

The Basic Facts - TV Justice is Entertainment

1) Telling the truth is not important, the ratings are!

2) The more upsetting the topic, the better the ratings will be!

You are On-Camera, now what do you do? What do you say?

No Sweat - Nobody pays attention to Details

1) This isn’t a courtroom, you don’t have to prove anything, and the State Bar isn't watching!

2) Just follow the script!

3) You can pretty much lie, enjoy the freedom! Truth doesn't matter so you never have to fact check anything. Just disagree with everything that points at innocence! Who remembers all of those people who were saying OJ was innocent?

4) The host & opposing side doesn’t study much either. You will be surprised how little they actually study the facts and how easy it is to put forth false information unchecked!

5) (ABC) Always be Controversial

Learn the Shuffle the Deck Maneuver

When they want to talk about evidence, change the subject. When in doubt break out allegations of unsavory behavior, alleged racial slurs, and drinking. This always gets them.

Nifongese for Professional Talking Heads

Learn a special form of Nifongese. Mike personally worked to translate his research into a specially created sub-set of Nifongese just for talking heads. He developed these patented phrases.

“He looked into her eyes and he believed her”

“They were no Angels!”

“Something happened!”

"He must have something."

"They haven't asked for a speedy trial, they must be guilty."

"The Grand Jury indicted, they must be guilty."

Body Language

Shake your head disapprovingly when somebody is making a good point!

Learn the head bob!

Tilt your head to the side when someone says something that you can't answer and pretend you don’t understand!

Techniques and Tips

Learn to talk while sneering.

Using alliteration allows you to spit on your opponent, which is always enjoyable. Example, "powerful privileged players pounded poor Precious."

Monopolization of time: Learning to breathe mid-sentence allows Nifong Method grads to never "finish" a point, but continue speaking without interruption, leaving little time for anyone else to speak. A time-wasting corollary is to always preceed your comments with a needless phrase like, "Well, Dan/Tucker/Catherine, Let me just say this..." spoken in slow motion.

Grand Jury Excuse

Another one of those special freebies if you're lucky and the case is in North Carolina where no transcripts are kept. You can say anything. They were indicted! They must have heard something!

Mike’s Special Discovery Method

He calls it the “No Evidence-No Problem”

No DNA to back you up? Be Creative: invented inanimate objects and hints at condoms work perfectly even when they contradict the accuser's own statements!

Conflicting stories to justify? Don't forget to hint at a date rape drug.

An air tight alibi to beat? Use the courtroom tested, "If I had to speculate, I'd say this whole event took five minutes, maybe 10 minutes at the outside. I would ask the court to take judicial notice that when something happens to you that is really awful, it seems to take longer than it actually takes."

Use Murphy’s Law

Tell them Discovery isn’t over yet! Don’t call it stalling! Call it a thorough investigation!

Use the Work Product excuse and act indignant when someone brings up those messy meetings when we frame, err , coordinate facts!

Use the “Ted” when all else fails. Demand this has to go to a Jury to be Fair! Who can argue with that?

When cornered, don't forget to use my phrase. "To my knowledge, uhm."

After the Show

When you’re off the air just remember to tell the other side you know the DA doesn’t have a case. You were just playing along! They will understand, they are actors too. Then, go get that free dinner!

Baldo

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL! That is funny, but sad to say very true! How many times have we sat their yelling at the TV set!

Anonymous said...

Good work, Baldo!

Don't forget to have the Nifongers insist that the accuser has a right to have her claims judged by a jury of her peers! (I'd forgotten that one, until I heard Shabazz repeat it a few times on O'Reilly recently. I didn't have the opportunity to go to one of those special Black law schools where they teach the stuff Shabazz learned. I was always taught that it is the defendants who are entitled to a jury trial -- I feel totally ripped off that I didn't get to learn about the special rights of false accusers, especially those who happen to be Black!)

Anonymous said...

bravo - great use of humor to explain the truth

Anonymous said...

Priceless

Gregory said...

I'm sold, how much does it cost, and how many hours apply to my continuing legal education requirement?

Seriously, sharp satire!!!! There is one equation that explains the talking heads: "The speed of their lips is inversely proporionate to the lack of knowledge in their heads."

Oops, I forgot that there are actually two natural laws that apply: "Ratings = $."

Thanks for the belly laugh!

Anonymous said...

Excellent piece of satire that really rings true.
"Who remembers all those people who were saying OJ was innocent?"
I remember that idiot Leo Terrell screaming his head off on Geraldo's program every single night...and haven't seen his sorry butt since! I was hoping that after the Kobe Bryant debacle Wendy Murphy would be completely discredited and banished from FoxNews, but just like one of those movie monsters that keeps coming back over and over, Mizz Murphy rages on.
Nice work, Baldo.

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO!! Good stuff!!!!!

kbp said...

Thanks Liestoppers!

Many faces came to mind when I was reading this. You should have included a course for detectives also.

The good ol' MF of the OJ case is a regular guest on many programs simply because he lied under oath. No matter what your position is/was on that OJ case, MF committed perjury, period. He's a star for committing a crime.

The next that I thought of, one that used tactics similar to Nifong, was DA Hurlbert, of the Kobe case. He did not commit crimes in that case, but he tried to when he directed the state lab to stop testing. Dragging out the investigation, waiting for the court to direct the tests to be completed, extended his 15 minutes of fame.

Both of them were in the MSM on the Duke case at various times.

While this case has identified many problems with the judicial system in NC, and some in the entire nation, it has done the same with the media.

It is so ironic that all familiar with the case watched and read simply to see what inaccurate facts would be shared with the uniformed public.

As the case slowly moved along, we then began watching just to see if the same people that had been caught spewing claims that were dead wrong would be back the next night on any of the programs.

Many of them are still live, on the air.

Anonymous said...

Mark Fuhrman committed perjury by denying that he had ever in his entire life used the N-word. That he is a "star" now is probably more for his accumen as a long-time LAPD Detective and accomplished crime author than for lying on the stand about something stupid and irrelevant. What he did not lie about is his role in finding the bloody glove and other damning evidence at OJ's property in the wee hours of the morning following the brutal slashing murders of Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

Anonymous said...

Outstanding, True satire is alive and well.

I hope the USAG gains access to the course promotion for the course.

LMAO Brilliant, Wonderful, Funny and soooooo TRUE.

Anonymous said...

Your work today was really funny. This morning I woke up thinking about a trip to London a while back and seeing Richard Sheridan's play "School for Scandal". Now it can be Nifong's School for Scandal.

Anonymous said...

Very funny! For those of us not as utd on the case, could you please identify the talking heads in the 'ad'?

Anonymous said...

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Thanks for the laughs Baldo!

Anonymous said...

From left to right they are Wendy Murphy, Georgia Goslee, Lis Wiehl and Susan Filan.

justice58 said...

HaHaHa

You thought Susan was with you for a while and then....bam... no she isn't. There are some that believe in justice being done.

Justice58 said...

"There are some that believe in justice being done."

then there's....bam... justice58

Anonymous said...

And Bam! After latest evidence of Nifong suppressing multiple male DNA in Crystal's mouth, vagina , anus, and dirty underweaer! Bam! Susan is with the defense. HAHAHAHA!

Anonymous said...

Justice58- don't get too excited,Susan has probably been "instructed" by MSNBC to present a more "balanced" view. What that really means is they could not find anyone but that nutjob Wendy Murphy, who they have gotten sooooo much hate mail about, to present the "other side".Anybody with half a brain(no, let's make that ANY part of a brain) knows that CGM is a lair and Nifong is a disgrace.

justice58 said...

No she's not. Susan loves her rodeo cowboy. Look at her when she talks about Mike Nifong. She's dripping with admiration.

I predict: When Mike Nifong wins this case...his first interview will be with Susan Filan.

7:38...get your own handle. You are a lying thieving b****. An all around thief that can't get anything on your own. hmmmm.. sounds like what Kim said about the limp dick white boy. Birds of a feather.

Anonymous said...

Justice58- lol, you are coming out of "character" a little bit. "She's dripping with admiration" doesn't fit with the character of the angry AA you play when you troll the blogs.

Justice 58 said...

I confess. I know Crystal is lying. I can't bear False Witness. I will be punished. Forgive me. I wish the best for all of you. Those boys deserve the best and lying Crystal should go to jail. Unlike her, I can't lie anymore.

GPrestonian said...

8:07pm 'justice'58:

I just got through re-reading WaPo blog posts from Aug-Sept. You and the MSM were so sure back then that Nifong 'had something up his sleeve', that he had the evidence to secure a guilty verdict.

Turns out he did have 'something up his sleeve' - the knowledge that he was hiding exculpatory evidence from the defence & Judge(s). And the knowledge that he lied almost every time he opened his mouth about this case.

The only evidence he had was revealed by Meehan when he admitted to conspiring with Nifong to obstruct justice.

Now Crystal 'can't remember' what penetrated her, had the DNA from multiple males in her panties & orifices [none of whom play lacrosse for Duke), and Nifong is facing Bar charges & will be facing criiminal charges.

Sounds like you hitched your whorsecart to the wrong whoressss.

Anonymous said...

8:20pm Anon:

"She's dripping with admiration"

I thought she was quoting from a romance novel:

Her bosom heaved, his loins stirred...

...and he knew her.

;>)

justice58 said...

Don't hate on Susan b/c she's NOT with you. And may I also add: There"ARE" prosecutors wanting this to continue on to a trial. You just ignore them and call them haters of the dukes. Geez... your own university believed they were capable of rape. And so do I and many others. Deal with it.

justice 58 said...

Help me! That is not me! I admit I'm a liar! The boys are innocent! And the Feds are coming!

justice58 said...

8:20

Just another lying bitch trying to pass her stupid ass off as me. Wow, you're sure desperate. I laugh in your face. If you think we are turning our backs on the victim... you are more than damn fools. You think she has a small amount of supporters on a blog...dream on bitch. You can't silence them. The number is too great.

GPrestonian said...

9:25pm 'justice'58:

"There"ARE" prosecutors wanting this to continue on to a trial."

Perhaps, tho none of them happen to live in North Carolina. All 40+ of his fellow NC DAs have asked Lyingfong to step down. They know that soon after he steps down the charges will be dismissed.

Anonymous said...

The funny thing is that we only have to keep waiting for this to unravel even further ...

What will happen next week?

I can't wait until the civil suit against CGM so we can all hear that she made the allegations up. Only that will clear those innocents' names.

justice58 said...

9:48

Don't you dare hold your breath?? Cuz that can't be good for you!

TombZ said...

Enough of all this dripping, please! Ick.

I think the bogus DAs, the FA and Justice58 need a mop.

Is this a chick-thing?

justice58 said...

9:59

And you know what you can kiss!

Anonymous said...

I will never forget the forgettable Susan Filan breathlessly saying, "Hey, Tucker. I've just got to tell you. Mike Nifong is soooooooooo convincing. I think he must have a case."

Susan... there is a reason that the term "Con-Man" is a derivative of "convincing".

justice58 said...

Ugh

I wonder why Mike didn't drop the other charges. The victim was there at questioning. Hold on- I'll tell you.

It's because a crime was committed!

Anonymous said...



I wonder why Mike didn't drop the other charges. The victim was there at questioning.



Maybe because Nifong wanted some leverage to prevent the defendants from suing his ass.

Where is CGM hiding these days? Does she every think about the tragedy her lies have spawned?

justice58 said...

10:18

She's NOT worried about your MFing ass

Anonymous said...

she isn't worried about any thing in her drug fog. kinda like you j58

Anonymous said...

When is CGM going to admit that her lies have hurt all real rape victims?

justice58 said...

Wait a minute b*%#h

Rape, Kidnapping & Sexual Assault is a crime anywhere in America. A crime was committed against her. If anyone is lying- it's the duke 3. They need to be truthful about what happen in that house

justice58 said...

hey i know what i'm talking about. in 25 years crystal will be just like me! you know how i know that? cuz 25 years ago i was just like her!

Anonymous said...

What, a liar, a slut and a theif?

Anonymous said...

What an embarrassment to the law
profession. Great job Liestoppers!!

Anonymous said...

LOL. Couple things, first, to the idiot impersonating justice58, knock it off. She is quite capable of making a fool of herself without your help.

Second, to justice58, too many crimes listed in your post. "rape" is now off the table.

On the prosecution's side we still have nothing more than the unsupported word of someone who has now admitted that she doesn't know whether she was raped, after making a sworn statement that she was. No credibility at all.

On the defense side, alibis, the statements of the other dancer, the DNA, the accuser's lies about being injured when she was already back to stripping, etc.

No crime, no time.

Feb 5 hearing may be postponed, what with the imminent birth and all.

Of course, it may also be the way out for Nifong and the accuser. If she says "I don't know whether these are the guys", then the case against the accused goes away without Nifong having to take a loser case to trial, and without either of them admitting to framing these guys.

BTW, CGM is not likely to get sued unless it is as part of a larger lawsuit against the county. Never sue poor people, they have no money.